If groundhog Punxsutawney Phil see his shadow, it means we can expect six more weeks of winter weather. When Playboy centerfolds have big tits, it means the economy is in for a rough ride. Psychologists, led by Dr. Terry Pettijohn, compared the body structures of Playboy centerfolds with statistics on employment, economic indicators, marriage, murders and stock indexes during the last 40 years. Centerfolds had bigger tits in lean times and smaller ones when times were good. They speculated that the nation needs nurturing when times are tough-as symbolized by large-breasted centerfolds. During prosperous times, men want to romp with svelte, perky girls that have plenty of energy- like the surging stock market. What does it mean when a centerfold with big tits sees her shadow? (New York Times, June 26, 2003)

First day at the new job is always kind of weird and boring. I did all of my new hire paperwork and was introduced to everyone. They all seemed nice, but I won’t remember that a year from now when I’ve made paperdolls of all of them so that I can tear off their limbs. There is a crazy-eyed guy that sits in the cubicle next to mine and I don’t know whether he’s looking at me or the wall. Also, they give us Nextel phones which have a GPS system on them, so they can TRACK MY EVERY MOVE during the day while I’m out on sales calls. Doh! How Big Brother is that? So, me coming home everyday and napping is, I guess, out of the question. The cool thing is that I will now have benefits. Tah dah. I’m going to go to the doctor now just cause I freaking can. That and I don’t have any pills to go in the Sunday slot on my medicine organizer. I have a new theory about myself. I cannot give up fully leaded Coca-colas. They are the best thing ever and diet doesn’t even compare and if they are the main cause for my weight gain, then so be it! I have tried numerous times in an attempt to be healthier and I can’t shake the feeling. Also, tell me how it is that we, as weed smoking fornicators, do not have any eye drops in our house. I accidentally squirted nasal spray in my eye last night. All of the generic crap at Wal-Mart that comes in a squirt bottle looks exactly the same, so you can see how my error occurred. Waking up like eight hours earlier than my body is used to has definitely reddened my eyes. That’s fo sho. Remember kids, if God is a DJ, then life is the dancefloor. (Pink)