I dream of one day being on The Price is Right. I want Rowdy Rod Roddy, if he hadn’t died, to call me to come on down. Then, I would make my best guesstimate on the item in question and when the 80 year old woman next to me guessed ONE DOLLAR, I would pinch her really hard on her leg.

THIS is definitely more disturbing than Janet Jackson’s boob. This has been keeping me up nights. I want my Congressman to know that this disturbs me more than breasts ever could. I’ve seen breasts, we’ve all seen breasts. I’ve never seen a monkey/rat with googley eyes and a pilgram hat sing about paper cuts and pepper bars. They sing badly at that. Something must be done to stop them.

Do not make a big deal out of my not cooking every night, just to turn down the things that I do cook! Keep in mind that I am up, dressed, and gone before you even realize what time it is. I also work all day too. Then, I come home and do your massive amounts of laundry because you are a bitch and you change your clothes like 8 times a day. I also have a classes on-line that I am taking so that I’ll make more money next year. In addition to all of that, I have to keep the puppies happy and play the inside/outside game all night long until you come home. So, do not act like I’ve had all day to sit around and plan meals for my man. I am more than glad to do it most days, but making me feel bad about it just plain sucks. It just screams Donna Reed tied to the stove to me. I do it all though because sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and you are actually holding my hand.

Read how Margaret Cho lost all that weight.

Today, I got the puppies a bone that looks kind of like a pecker. There is no way I’m going to let them kiss their mother with that mouth!

Margaret Cho is going to be in Austin this weekend. If you’ve never seen her live, she is freaking hilarious. She even has her own blog. She’ll be at Cap City Comedy Club on Friday and Saturday night if anyone in the Austin area is interested. Definitely a good time and tickets will go fast.

Well, Sex and the City aired it’s final Sex and the City episode tonight. I really will miss those girls. I know that they are all fictional characters but they have changed the way that women view being single and getting older. And to that, I say, fabulous!

So today my boss, let’s just call her Cuntpie, decided to give me “homework”. Are you kidding me already with this crap? I have to learn a telemarketing script. Uh, okay. Can I interest you in some crap that you can’t afford and don’t really want? No, okay then. Ba-bye. I’m going to go sell porn.

Next topic….Why does your belly-button smell like THAT? Jeeves is all out of answers on this one, folks.

Remember the previous post where I mentioned my beauty product, ahem, problem? Well, today I got a check for a little bit of money and ended up in Sephora again. I got the most miraculous conditioner though. Wow! Curly locks unite. I sort of, but not really felt guilty about my purchase, but then I got home and did a little inventory of my shower and it’s current goodies. Here is a list:
1. Dermologica Anti-Bac Face Wash/$28
2. Lancome Clarifiance Face Wash/$21
3. Clinique Exfoliating Face Scrub/$15
4. Redken Fresh Curls Shampoo and Conditioner/$25
5. Terax Meile Shampoo/$14
6. Sebastian Stark Naked Shampoo/$15
7. Fructis Shampoo and Conditioner/$8 (for when no one is going to see me)
8. Phyto Phytokarite Deep Conditioner/$32
9. Aveda Sap Moss Conditioning Oil/$18
10.Lancome Deep Conditioning Mask/$20

Dude, I honestly am certifiable. Blame it on manic depression.

I like your pants around your feet
I like the dirt that’s on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you’re looking up at me
You’re like my favorite damn disease
-nickelback/figured you out

I’m really digging this song right now.

So, this is what BF did to me today. It’s Valentine’s and we are pretty broke cause we just paid rent and we live in Austin, so that’s alot of money. Anyway, we were going to wait until next week to buy each other crap. He always wants cologne cause he’s a snob like me, so that’s what I was planning to get him. I also wanted some perfume. Angel perfume to be specific. Well, he generally works really long hours and can’t get to stores like normal people so I don’t usually get gifts on days that he works. We planned on going out to eat tonight, so I decided to check our bank account and I see a charge to Saks Fifth Avenue on it. “Aaaha, he managed to get me perfume” is what I think. So, he gets home and gives me half of a carton of chocolate strawberries because he split it with his co-worker for his wife. Then, I’m waiting for the perfume…. nothing. So, then I ask about the charge. He tells me that he let his co-worker use the credit card because he forgot to cash his paycheck and he really didn’t get me anything. He figured I’d understand. Well, what do I do? I start bawling like a freaking baby. So, he’s trying to hug me and I don’t want anything to do with him. It’s not even about the gift at this point. I couldn’t give a rat’s ass. I was just disappointed that I took the time to make him a CD and a gay little cake and then he let someone else use our money to get their wife something! Well, he let me cry for a good five minutes or so and then we get in the truck and he whips a bag out of the backseat and it’s the fucking perfume, for God’s sake. Happy Valentine’s Day, Baby. You damn Drama Queen.

This is, quite possibly, my worst freaking nightmare.

I guess even Ken and Barbie could use a little publicity.

Pretty soon, I’ll compose a list of reasons that I’m a weirdo. To start though, I am completely fascinated by ghosts and ghost stories. I don’t care what you think, these pictures gave me the heebie geebies.

Out of 450 adoptable dogs in the Austin,TX area, 273 are pitbulls. That totally sucks. If you don’t know how awesome pits can be, take a look at my muppet. If you want one of your own, go to www.petfinder.org. Don’t ever buy a dog. Way too many homeless dogs need families. She is the best dog I’ve ever had in my entire life and her little feet smell like corn chips when she sleeps!

Ever since I got my DVR (Time Warner’s version of Tivo), I will tape and watch anything for the times that TV really sucks. So, I tape anything that seems even remotely interesting. This is where I am a total sellout. I have started to watch Average Joe: Hawaii. I know, it goes against everything I believe in and stand for. It’s cheesy TV. Those of you that watch it will know what I’m talking about though, when I say MICHAEL KLEIN is finger licking good. Jesus, that kid is fucking hot. Also, in close second for hotness is that Todd guy. There is just something so naughty about him. Grant it, they are both total arrogant cock suckers, but I would pick them to stay forever.

For those of you that actually give a hoot about Valentine’s Day or “Valentime’s Day”, as my more ignorant fellow English speakers say, I have found the perfect gift. Apparently, they come in six different flavors, including: Banana Chalk, Grape Dust, Nappy-Citric, You-Call-This-Lime?, Pink Sand and Fossilized Antacid.

I may seem a little PMS-ish today, but I am not. I just am aggrevated. So, I need to tell you now about boyfriend of 7 years, who shall be called BF from here on out. Some days I love him so much that I could just squeeze him silly and other days, I want to piss in his Cheerios. Today he is somewhere between the two. First off, our bathroom has a window. Stupiest thing ever, if you ask me. However, he goes in there and opens it and then leaves it open. So, at around 3am, it’s about 41 degrees in my bathroom. Can you imagine how cold that toilet seat is? Ugh. Secondly, I bought a featherbed that was kind of expensive. We both love to sleep so I figured I couldn’t go wrong on this one. Oh, but yes I could. It’s too soft, makes him hot, wrong color (white), too squishy, too whatever. Basically, it just wasn’t his idea. So, I may have to give it away. I’m not giving up that easily though. I’ve considered cutting it in half and just having it on my side. It would look like a duck exploded in my bedroom though. More as this situation progresses.

Okay, I am sick and tired of getting these stupid freaking junk mail coupon flyers in my mailbox. If you live in Austin,TX, you know what I’m talking about. I get one about every other day. Petty, yes. I don’t give a fuck. It’s one of the little things in life that could use some changin. I found a link that you can access all of the phone numbers of these fucktards and get it stopped.

My Mom and Pop’s house in Louisiana is the house where all time has stopped. It was built in 1977 and it very much still looks it (think Avacado green appliances and mushroom and owl collectables). My Mother will not throw anything away and I guess it’s kind of cool because I find really neat crap everytime I go home. Remember Merlin? It was the Gameboy of my day! 6 games in one! How can you beat that. I still have mine in LA and it works. I also still have my old Atari 2600 and could still take you in Kaboom or Frogger. Bring it, pussies!

Funny, I never knew there was such a thing.

I am a total beauty product whore. I went to Sephora today and could not just be there without buying anything. Sephora, with all of their delicious little tubes of this and sparkley little tubes of that. This is coming from a girl that barely made enough last year to be considered above the poverty level. However, I came out of there with Clinique facial scrub and Clinique Superbalm, which is the best shiniest lip gloss ever. This may put me on the list of weirdest girls ever, but I LOVE to shave my legs. I go out and buy new things to shave my legs with and come home and immediately try them out. Today I bought an old timey shave mug with the soap lather and brush and a Schick Quattro razor. I came home and exfoliated my legs and then used those, and let me tell ya….my legs are orgasmically smooth. To me, there is nothing better than the feeling of being fresh out of the shower with shaved legs and wet hair. Unless of course, you throw in a Xanax.