Perhaps some of you have gotten this email with the worlds’ worst Halloween costumes and maybe you haven’t, but here are two of my favorites. Not work or child safe.

This is the coolest story that I’ve read in a while. Yeah, Faith!

RICHLAND, Wash. - Faith the service dog phoned 911 when her owner fell out of her wheelchair and barked urgently into the receiver until a dispatcher sent help. Then the 4-year-old Rottweiler unlocked the front door so the responding police officer could come in.

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I am actually going to leave this house, at night, in nice clothes, with my hair and make-up done and GO DOWNTOWN for Halloween. I can’t believe it myself. Maybe this medication is working, after all. I have the stupidest costume planned out. If you need ideas, email me and I’ll give you some suggestions. I have tons of them. I’ll post pics as soon as I get them. Then, on Sunday, we are giving candy to the wee ones. I bought a butt load of it today and I have a feeling it won’t be enough. Gas prices are up, candy is higher than I remember. What is God doing to me? There’s no way I can fill up the tank and get a Hershey’s bar NOW. Anyway, back on track with this ramble. Don’t forget to set your clocks back an hour at 2am Saturday night. That means the party lasts an hour longer. Oh yeah! Back in the day, I used to love when we’d set the clocks forward and I’d always "forget" to set my clock so I could miss church in the morning on Sunday. Yes, I was lost in my way even back then. I made my fiance-person a graveyard cake to take to work tomorrow. It is so funny. Tombstones and a skeleton and a plastic rat and flies. Perfect.

I created this today and I am printing it on business cards to leave on people’s windshields. Have I gone mad? Perhaps, but parking 2 fucking inches from my truck so that I have to get in from the other side should be illegal.

I’ve been looking at different ideas for my wedding cake and this one takes the cake, pardon the pun.

One of my closest friends grew up in a very rural (read: hillbilly) town in Texas. She was always beautiful and her own mom was jealous of her. She actually chased my friend with a gun the night she was crowned homecoming queen. Anyway, friend (we’ll call her Meslie) knows that the white trashiness that is all around her just ain’t right, so she finds her way out of that little town into a slightly bigger small Texas town where we become roommates. She falls in love with our other roommate (male) and they make a gorgeous baby girl together. Baby’s daddy moves to Arizona for a job transfer and so they set up camp there but were never really gloriously happy together. But for the child’s sake, we all know this one. Plus, his parents moved there and really helped with the baby and all was well with that part so why break up just yet? So Meslie starts taking real estate classes here and there to obtain her realtor’s license and she’s working at an apartment complex until she’s done. However, the whole time she’s been in Arizona, the hillbillies refuse to go quietly. Oh no, hillbillies are a fiesty bunch. So, from time to time Mom would need to borrow money, or little sister marries a guy and has his baby but then decides to keep it all in the family and off and marries his brother and they make another baby girl together. Following me? Sister now has two daughters that are not only sisters, but cousins. So sister moves to South Texas with this guy cause he’s in the military and that’s where they went. Younger brother decided sometime last year that he was gay and really lucked out and found a nice man. They had a house on some land and bought him a new truck and the whole bit. In the meantime, Mom is shacked up with her new beau, Weezil, (yup, you read that correctly), so she rents out her house there in bumpkinville. Okay, back to Meslie. She and baby’s daddy are no longer together. As a matter of fact he hooked up with Meslie’s daughter’s cheer teacher. They are married and have a new baby and another one on the way. Yeah, birth control! Meslie is doing really really really well selling real estate in Arizona. She has bought a house, sold it, and now has a condo that she lives in with her daughter. Anyway, so last week her sister calls to tell her that her husband is sick of her since she got her last DWI and he gave her $500 and told her to go. Take the kids and go. Don’t care where. Well she can’t live with Mom and Weezil and mom’s house has renters living there. Well, that settles it then, she’ll just see if maybe the renters don’t mind if she and her two kids live there with them. And they let her. We’ll see how long that lasts. Week later, little bro calls and his lover has kicked him out for taking crystal meth again. Can’t go with Mom and Weezil, but can he just drop his dog off at the rental house yard? Sure. So now, those rental people have a whole new family plus dog. Little brother is missing in action. Will fill you in as story progresses.

I just watched SuperSize Me and ugh, I feel so sick from it. If you need some motivation, that’s a good one to make you want to eat healthier. It just totally made me realize that I don’t want my kids growing up on that like our generation did. The collector’s glasses were the shit, though.

Warning: My sense of humor is retarded. You may not find these one bit humerous. I die laughing at them.

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of the two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Hindu who refused Novacain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon recieving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amhal."

8. Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frial and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what ?!…. a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to family and friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

It is apparently up to me to pick out the ring I want (thankyajeezus) and so I have been going crazy researching. Today I will post one and let me know what you guys think. The price on it is $1440 which I think is an awesome deal. I do not want to spend a fortune on my first ring. I’ll upgrade later when we really can afford it. So?

Okay, I know I said one, but here’s another option. It’s $1800 and the band is $167 and I would put one on top and one on bottum. Would that work? Diva? Help?

I have been slacking on my updating you on cool stuff that I find in my internet shopping adventures. So this week will be a hodge podge of cool stuff.

+++E.L.F.+++ I have not personally tried any of this stuff, but all of the makeup is $1.00 each. It looks pretty cool and it would be a cheap way to stock up a cosmetic bag for your desk drawer at work.

+++Circle E Candles+++These are, hands down, the best candles I have ever had in my home. I can smell them anywhere in my house and I just burn one on my kitchen counter top. My favorite is Orange Patchouli. It is so freaking fab. I get the 28oz. and I swear that thing lasts me three months.

+++Lamp Berger+++ Lampe Berger lamps were considered a desinfecting home appliance. Through a unique process of high temperature catalytic combustion, Lampe Berger eliminates and destroys the molecules behind unpleasant odors such as cigarette smoke and cooking while pleasantly perfuming the air and destroying bacteria. Okay, that part was copy and pasted, but this thing truly rocks. I burn it and it gets rid of all doggie scent or cooking scent and I love that it actually purifies the air. They are kind of pricey but sooooo worth it.

+++Only One Fix+++Cheap colored eyes without having to get a prescription. I got the green ones and they are fun to wear occasionally. Go out and rock some purple eyes, I dare you.

Favorite new pickup line:

ME| "If I was a fly, I’d land on you."

BOYFRIEND (clueless to my little game)| "Would you really, baby?"

ME| "Yeah, cause you’re the shit."

What about yours? Go here and find out.

Go to The Third Annual Blogger Boobie-Thon and either donate some moolah for breast cancer or submit a pic. Or hey, both would be good too. We’ve all got boobs. It could happen to any of us.

I’m sure this little chica is going to drive me batty and I’ll have to remove her soon, but I’ve started planning my destination wedding for next year and I’m excited. Please God, let it rain money soon!