I promised you a story about anal bleeding, and Internet, I want to deliver on that promise.  The thing is that I have major bathroom issues.  I went through years of hell with diarrhea.  It would come out of nowhere.  It totally disrupted my everyday life.  I would go to the movies or out to eat and bam, it would hit me and we’d have to leave.  I survived on Imodium.  Then, I figured out that it was most likely anxiety and began taking Anti-Anxiety medication.  Well, that turned my diarrhea problem into the opposite problem….constipation.  I have week long periods sometimes where I don’t go to the bathroom.  I don’t even have the urge to go.  I have to remind myself and then I have to take a laxative or use an enema to make myself go.  It has gotten progressively worse over time.  So last week, I’m trying to go and when I wipe, it’s bright red blood and the toilet is filled with blood.  I almost passed out from the pain from trying to go and then when I saw that, I freaked the hell out.  So, I may be having to have a colonoscopy this week.  Happy, happy, freaking joy. 

Other news…The boy is still gone and the lawyer that is working on getting him out is taking his sweet precious time.  Lord only knows when he’ll get to come home if at all.  I am so bummed.  The only thing getting me through this past week was thinking that he would most likely win his appeal and come home.  If he has to stay, it’ll be May 9th before he comes home.  I am so lonely and bored.  All I have been doing is sleeping and cleaning. 

I’ve been getting alot of hits lately to this little page.  If you have stopped by, leave a comment and say "howdy", would ya?

Napoleon soundboard. 

Okay, in my hurry to bring you the latest breaking news about crazy deep sea creatures, I apparently posted pics that are a hoax.  Yeah, whatever.  You fell for it too, Scott.  Read about it here.

Oh my gosh, Internet, I did not realize it had been a week since I last updated.  Things have been crazy to say the least.  I’ll update more later.  Expect a nice little story about ANAL BLEEDING. 

Ademilton, a 16.7 pound (7.57 kilogram) baby boy is seen at the Albert Sabin Maternity Hospital in Salvador, 1,450 kilometers 900 miles northeast of Sao Paulo, in the state of Bahia, on Tuesday, Jan. 18, 2005. Francisca Ramos dos Santos, 38, gave birth to the healthy boy named Ademilton on Tuesday. He was the largest baby born at the Albert Sabin Maternity Hospital in its 12-year history, the hospital said. ‘Obviously the baby was born by Caesarean section,’ hospital director Rita Leal said. ‘Both mother and baby are doing just fine.’(AP Photo/Eleoi Correa, Agencia Estado)

Okay, you have to know that there is so much that we still don’t know about the earth.  There are parts of the oceans that are so deep that no human could ever reach them.  Until the tsunami that happened recently.  These freaky animals are supposedly previously undiscovered species that washed up on the shore. 

Almost 70,000 signatures.  Poor girl.

You know the old saying, "you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone."  Well, I am truly feeling it today.  I don’t typically write about these types of issues in my life, but I am in so much pain over this that it’s unbelievable. 

About three years ago, my beau got into some trouble with the state of Texas.  Nothing really major major, but major enough.  So, he’s done all the crazy crap that they have asked of him up to this point.  He’s done night time jail where he went for three months and could only leave for work.  And he had to pay to live there.  Yes, he had to pay $100 a week to live in jail!  He pays $230 a month for four years to the state of Texas for his probation.  He attends meetings every Thursday that he has to pay $10 a class for.  He goes to his AA meetings.  He has done 100 hours of community service.  And so last week, this spring this little doozie on us.  He has to go to live in rehab for the next FOUR months.  He can only leave for work.  If I go see him at work and he gets caught, they tack on another month or two.  He totally does not deserve to be there.  I dropped him off this morning and now I feel like my soul has been ripped out of me.  The only good is that maybe this will be a life changing thing for him.  Not that he’s that bad with partying and stuff anyway.  Believe me.  I wouldn’t stick around if it was.  He does not deserve to be there with the caliber of people that will be there.  I’m talking real live crack heads and then my poor guy. 

This just fucks up everything.  He told me this past weekend that he was going to propose fairly soon, but now that will have to wait also.  I don’t even care that much about that, I just want him here with me and the dogs. 

Today I have been blogging for one year.  I can’t believe that I’ve actually stuck with something this long.  I’ve had about twelve different looks since I started and have learned so so much about html and typepad.  Mostly, I’m glad that I’ve met so many cool people.  If I had not stumbled across dooce one night when I had insomnia, I might have never been inspired to start doing this.  Now, I have dozens of on-line friends that I really have come to love and appreciate.  I HEART my blogroll.  So, here is a list of my absolute daily must reads:

++Rachel:  Hilarious, snarky girl that knows her shit about web design.

++ShaunaCat: Adorable, pregnant, and hopelessly in love with her man.

++Becky:  Fellow Austinite and fitness minded girl.  Helps all of us stay on track with healthy lifestyles.

++Heather: Yeah, I know, she’s a big time blogger, but how could you not adore her?

++Yvonne:  So open and honest about her life.  Another one of the blogs that I very first found and fell in love with.

++Kristie:  Fellow animal lover.  Posts everyday.  Wished she lived closer to Texas.

++Jay:  Just found this guy but I sat and read his entire blog the other night.  Great guy.

++Paige:  Such a funny, creative gal.  Make beautiful jewelry also.

++Rachel:  Another Texas gal.  So damned funny.

++Renee:  Fitness fanatic and dog lover.  Cracks me up almost everytime.

++Jefferson:  x-rated at times, but so am I.  I love his blog.

Okay, I am thinking about making a box for my cat to hang out in and if it goes well I might sell them on ebay.  First, I need to take a poll from you guys and see what you think.  I would make it out of wood and carpet the whole inside and then paint the outside however you want.  I’m thinking really cool and funky for my kitty, like pink with black stars and her name.  The inspiration for this idea came when I brought home a cardboard box and she immediately made that her new home.  The dogs can’t get to her in there.  So, last night I taped it all up and cut a hole on the front.  The one that I make with have a hinged top so that you can open it and clean it or whatever.  So, my questions are: 1.  Would you pay $50 for something like that?  2. Do you think your cat would use it?  I’ve seen something similar on the internet for $150-175.  Here is a pic of Israel in her cardboard test box.

My sidebar is going to be three feet long pretty soon, but I added a ticker at the very bottom that shows Amber Alerts.  So check it out to see if you can help find a missing child. 

So, the past few days have sucked major ass.  I’m really down in the dumps about no job prospect as of yet.  My favorite space heater, my only space heater, is a death trap.  I hate the big central heater cause it makes me feel like it’s taking my breath away, so I use the little space heater.  That mo fo burned a hole into the electrical outlet though.  Ask me if I’m still using it though.  Uh, yep, refer back to the no job statement.  I was doing laundry yesterday and I banged my head against the wall.  Yes, on accident.  That would not be my preferred suicide method.  Anyway, I kind of blacked out for like a second and then I felt my head and there wasn’t any blood, but my head has a for real dent in it now.  It feels like a bruised melon or a baby’s soft spot.  Weird, anyway.  What else?  Oh yeah, I finally took the first step to planning this actual wedding (it’s gonna be in Austin now) and made an appointment with the wedding coordinator and me and my matron and maid of honor got all dressed cute and went to BFE and the lady had me down for tomorrow!  Of course she did, why wouldn’t she?  My matron of honor is only pregnant and so so tired and I feel guilty as it is making her do stuff past five o’clock which is sort of her bedtime nowadays.  My allergies have been whooping my ass.  The cedar in Austin is out of control and most people get really sick here from it.  The usual cedar count is like 1200 cubic meters and that makes us really sick.  Today it was 8500 cubic meters.  Yippee.  Silver lining, fuck you.   

Maybe it’s just PMS.  I’m not sure though cause I quit taking my BC pills cause the ones I was on had a diuretic in them and I was peeing like there’s no tomorrow.  So, after I have my next period, I will switch to something else.  Anyway, so I think I have major major PMS or something.  Well, that and not a whole lot of good things have been happening to or for me regardless of my efforts to the contrary.  So, if one more thing happens, I really won’t be reasonable for my actions.  No kidding.

This is what I want for my burfday.  Can you believe that the feds are trying to seize all of the games that are out in rotation?  It’s a game, people.  If it’s that racist or whatever, then you’ll need to arrest Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle also.  Dumb.

I really should have listened to my inner spaz when she told me that refilling my own printer ink cartridges just to save a few bucks was a bad bad idea.  It really looked like a box of crayons had exploded in here a few minutes ago.  And it was pretty hard to do on top of it all.  Not to mention the fact that I’m not even sure if it really worked yet or not.  Bless you, Clorox bleach.  My love/hate relationship with you is definitely on the love side today.  Although, I still do not forgive you for ruining my favorite black yoga pants. 

Somehow my computer got hijacked.  Everytime I would even get on my homepage (yahoo), my popup blocker would go crazy.  So, I ran Ad-aware and it found 23 items so I deleted them.  It didn’t stop.  So I got online to find the best parasite removing program and I bought Zoftspy and it found 256 items that Ad-aware didn’t find.  That’s insane.  So now, all is back to normal.  I hate stupid shit like that.

For those of you that are not fans of porn or have just come here for the first time….when you read the story that I wrote in the post below, please don’t think I’m a freak.  Or do.  But just as proof, I also wrote this one time about puppies and there was the time that I wrote about Grapples.  See Internet, it’s not all smut and filth here at Ninja Pussy Deluxe.

A while back, me and the boy went to the feed store and bought some hay.  We were going to put it in the backyard over a part of our yard that is muddy in the hopes that grass might grow.  Anyway, it has sat in the garage for two months now cause the boy doesn’t do anything around here.  Well, last night I’m in the garage doing laundry cause that’s where my washer and dryer are and Mazzy is over by the hay rolling around on something.  I go over there and it’s snakeskin!  That means somewhere there is a freaking snake.  I have had it.  All my plants that I was trying to save from winter are going back outside and the hay is being scooted to the trash.  I cannot tolerate freaking snakes.  Or a lazy boyfriend, for that matter.  I’m really pissed at him still from this past weekend and the snake was the icing on the cake for me.  He has a lot of making up to do or he can forget it.  If I’m doing all the man stuff around the house anyway, then explain to me why I have a man again?

Things got a little better around here, I guess.  First, we took a nap but I couldn’t sleep because of all the firecrackers.  It felt like I was trying to sleep in Fallujah.  We got up and then we watched the ball drop on TV for the first time ever together.  Elvee normally finds some way to go out and party and then I spend the night with my friends or alone.  Anyway, we kissed at midnight and then we drank some champagne, which makes me frisky.  So, we got naked on the sofa and did grown people things.  Then, we got Jack in the Box and we are probably headed off to sleep soon.  Hope you all had a happy new year’s eve and start the year out tomorrow with those you love.