I hate when I search for something on yahoo or google and I put in a search term such as "monkey farts" and it’ll ask me, "did you mean monkeyfarts (all ONE word)?"  I say "ok, maybe, yeah…" and it’s like, "no, we don’t have that either."  WTF?

I better have some good ass kharma coming my way.  Tonight I went to the yuppie grocery store that I totally hate.  I was looking for Jell-O pudding pops cause, SWEET JESUS, they are back.  They didn’t have them because The One Who Shall Remain Un-named Upstairs hates me.  Anyway, back to my original point.  So, I go to my truck and am unloading my groceries.  I am parked right next to the cart return thingy.  After two really sheisty (from the German vernacular meaning shit) homeless people pass me on their way back to the primo homeless begging station in Austin carrying their bags o beer, I noticed a really cute purse left in someone’s cart.  So, I take the purse and drive over closer to the store.  I’m thinking I’m going to take the purse inside and let someone claim it.  Then, I think if it was me and my luck sucks such donkey penis and more than likely a store employee would run off with it and act like they never saw it.  Yeah, I know, I should work on that trust thing.  So, I open the purse looking for some sort of ID.  This girl has no wallet and about $200 cash just inside her bag.  Talk about shitting herself when she got home, I bet.  So, I find Leila’s credit card and figure out her name (Hi, Leila) and I find her cell phone and I call the number labeled "house."  No answer.  Then, I call the one labeled  "parents" and the lady that answers tries to act like she doesn’t know the girl.  Girl must have bad credit and they get calls all the time.  I was scared I was going to have them thinking she was in an accident or something when I asked for her.  So, Mom (once she admits that is who she is) tells me to call Chris and he will know where Leila is.  So, I leave my number just in case and then look for Chris’ number.  However, there is no Chris, just "PIMP."  That’s gotta be him, but what if she’s really the big PIMP and Chris and PIMP don’t know about each other.  Why did I have to find this damn purse?  Just then, Leila calls me and sounds totally freaked and I tell her that I have her purse and all her dough and shit.  Did I mention that she also had like two churches programmed in her phone directory and little hearts as her screen saver?  (Note to self:  learn when to censor your God Damned mouth.)  She thanks me and tells me to call PIMP cause he is in fact Chris and he is somewhere at the store looking for the purse.  So, I dial up PIMP and he answers "you’ve got to be kidding me?" to which I reply, "no, PIMP.  Joke’s on you."  So he tells me that Leila is kind of flighty and he thought maybe she had the purse the whole time.  Anyway, he comes and gets the purse from me and all is well now in Leilaland.  Damn girl, get a wallet at least for your Louis Vuitton purse!

I seriously have not laughed this hard in so long.  Thanks Huh, No Shit. 

I don’t know why I feel the need to exploit celebrities or why I even care, but guess what?  I totally do!  Paris Hilton’s little Sidekick and all her info got hijacked.  All the numbers have been changed, I’m sure, but I love the emails from her and Linsday Lohan talking about Ashlee and Jessica Simpson.  Catty bitches. 

Here’s Paris’ phonebook.

Here’s some pics of her boobs and her kissing some chick.

She’s so messy.  I wonder if anyone will ever give her their number again. 

New job is really super groovy.  I am not making the big bucks yet, but I am getting so much experience, which I guess you can’t really put a price on.  You’ve got to crawl before you walk, right?  And I’m hoping that they will see how great I am and up my pay before long.  Lawyers are notoriously cheap though so we’ll see. 

For now,  I am only working 20 hours a week until they bring on another partner and then I’ll go to 40.  At first I was a little unsure, but I really like that I did it that way.  It’s really hard to go back to work after screwing around and being unemployed for a year.  I was in school but that’s just glorified screwing around really.  I have tons of responsibilities there and I even got to pick my title.  I decided on Legal Assistant.  I think that encompasses a wide range of things.  Paralegal is so specific and Office Manager is so not, so I think Legal Assistant is a good one.  They are giving me so much decision making power and already gave me tasks and a list and told me to run with it.  I hate when you first start a job and they are scared to have you do anything.  It’s not like that at this place at all.  I work for three attorneys as of right now and they are so nice and not at all super conservative freaks like some lawyers can be.  So, that’s the new job story. 

Today was C-Day, as in Colonoscopy Day.  My colon is fine.  I stayed awake the whole time and was telling them where to go and what to do.  I made a comedy routine out of the whole thing.  It didn’t hurt at all and the worst part was the prep yesterday and the not eating.  As soon as we were done, I went to eat pizza.  It has never tasted so good after not eating for 36 hours. 

Here is a picture of the 360 or Pennybacker Bridge in Austin.  It was so pretty here this week.

I. WANT. TO. EAT.  Today is prep day for tomorrow’s butt probe and I cannot eat anything.  Dude, I feel like crap.  I actually ate a popcicle while I was in the bathroom earlier.  It doesn’t get any lower than that, folks. 

My diploma finally came in today.  I put it up just now next to my Bachelor’s Degree.  I feel so giddy and nerdy. 

Anytime someone prefaces a comment with, "I really hate to be a bitch, but….", they don’t really HATE to be a bitch.  They live to be bitches.  Fucking bitches.

So, let’s start with the residual effects from the dildo cam.  I am allergic to Latex, so when they give you a transvaginal ultrasound (dildo cam), they put a condom on it.  Therefore, on top of the world’s worst period ever I have a yeast infection.  Damn it.  I could totally never have another boyfriend cause I can’t use condoms.  Yeah okay, gross.  To make a long story even longer.

Doc says that I am probably okay but we are doing the colonoscopy on Friday.  I can’t eat anything from Wednesday night at midnight to Friday after the procedure.  If I don’t lose some weight, I’m gonna be pissed.  So, mark your calendars, poop shoot investigation Friday. 

New job starts Monday.  I’ll tell you more about that later.  Don’t want to jinx it.  You know how I am about that. 

Something I came up with from watching my crazy dead people shows on A&E and Discovery Channel last night.  This girl had been abducted and the investigators really need to get a lead on crimes within the first 48 hours, so the girl’s car had been taken and all that jazz and they contacted the family for all of her info.  She lived in the same town as them, so they had easy access to her info, but that got me thinking about me and my family being so far away.  It would take my Mom that long to get here and try to figure out where to find all of my info.  So what I did, and what I want all of you to do too, is I emailed (or you can mail it) a list of all my info so that she’ll have it all handy on one page.  Mom, if you are reading this, you better have printed that out and put it on the fridge.  You won’t be able to work the computer in an emergency.  Anyway, things they would need would be your driver’s license number, social security number, license plate number, bank name, bank card number, bank account number, cell phone info, my husband (boyfriend)’s social security number, his date of birth, his account info.  The thing is you never think about your family not knowing that stuff, but what if they need it?  Just a thought.  Sorry it’s morbid, but hey.  Go do it now please. 

What a day, what a fucking day!  I was fucked in the ass twice today.  Once was almost literally.  First, I went with The Boy for his hearing to see if they would amend his probation and let him out of that rehab place early.  $1500 and a crooked lawyer later, the answer is NO.  So, we’ll be seeing each other again on May 9.  We see each other everyday in the am on his way to work, but it’s for like 15 minutes.  He stops in the house to see the pups and me on his way to work.  He’s not supposed to but he does.  So, I have this nice little breakdown right outside of the courtroom.  It was lovely.

Then, I go to the internal medicine doctor to see what he has to say about my stupid stomach.  Nothing really encouraging.  I probably have IBS which I feel like is a blanket diagnosis for when they just don’t know.  Not only that, there’s no cure.  Whoopie.  Anyway, he examined me.  With a glove and his finger.  Dude, could you buy me dinner first?  So, I have to have that colonoscopy done within the next week or so and then we’ll see if anything shows up.  Butt anyway.

I also have a job dilema.  I kind of have an offer and I would get experience but I would be working for like no money.  Seriously like the lowest figure I’ve heard yet.  I don’t know if I want to hold out for something better or go work there and then leave when something (if something) better comes along.  I hate to be a shitass and leave them like that though. 

It’s 9:30pm and me and my best pal are going to Hyde Park Bar and Grill for fries.  I would say that I deserve some comfort food today, wouldn’t you?

I have been needing to go get a colonoscopy to find out about this poop thing anyway, but something happened yesterday that made me have to go today.  The boy came home for lunch and we, um, did grown people things and after I was in so much pain that I cannot even begin to tell you.  It was my ovaries and uterus and it lasted for hours. So I called the doctor and I had to go today for an ultrasound and see the ob/gyn.  So, we do the regular belly ultrasound and nothing.  I had to pee so bad because they make you drink water before so they can see better.  So, then she lets me pee and we do the transvaginal ultrasound (or dildo cam) and she sees that I had an ovarian cyst rupture and I have one on my other ovary just waiting to kill me at any given moment.  Actually, it’ll just rupture and your body absorbs it.  No biggie, really.  Just alot of pain.  Then, she sees my colon and says that it is full.  Yeah, I know that.  I never go to the bathroom without a laxative or whatever.  Then, I go to the ob/gyn’s office and he does a pelvic and pap.  Good times today.  My coochie got more attention then it ever gets.  Ugh.  Anyway, so now I have to go see an internal medicine doc tomorrow to sort through all of this.  The cyst and the no pooping are not related.  Yippy.  My insurance is going to hate my ass.  Oh, and get this.  If I were pregnant, which I don’t think I am, it wouldn’t even show up on an ultrasound this early.  So, I still could be preggo.  Whatever.   

Since there are so many pregnant ladies out in the blogisphere, I figured I’d post some of the cool baby/new mom things that I have found while helping my own pregnant pal. 

++Glamour Mom++  Cute nursing tank tops.  Be a sexy mom.

++Bella Blu Maternity++  Adorable clothes and lingerie and bedding.

++Liz and Daisy++  Some of the most gorgeous baby books I’ve ever seen.

++Due and Sprout++  T-shirts for expecting Mom with an attitude.  "Hey, ask before you touch my belly!"

++Mommy Go Round++ More really cute t-shirts.

++Brandee Danielle++  Posh baby bedding.  So cute, it ALMOST makes me want a baby.

This groundhog is the worst poet ever!

http://www.groundhog.org/prediction/

To buffer the fact that I hate Austin having Mardi Gras (see post below), I have put some traditional Mardi Gras songs up for you to have.  Please right click and save.  ES LAS BAS- DO IT TO IT!

• Go To The Mardi Gras-Professor Longhair
• Mardi Gras Mambo-The Hawketts
• Carnival Time-Al Johnson
• Iko Iko-Dr. John
• Big Chief-Part I-Professor Longhair
• Second Line-Part I-Stop, Inc.
• They All Asked For You-The Meters

I am from New Orleans, LA.  I was raised there and lived there until I was 18.  I came to Texas for college and decided to stay here.  I eventually made my way to Austin, TX and I love it.  My only gripe is that they stole Mardi Gras.  It is pronounced Maudi-Graw just for the record.  People here, and most places, say Mardy-Graw. 

First off, it is not meant to be just a party where girls show their tits in the streets in order to get beads.  If you went to New Orleans for actual Mardi Gras, the locals do not do that kind of crap.  It’s the visitors that do that crap and we hate it.  When you see it on the Girls Gone Wild videos, that shit is planned.  There is a huge balcony on Bourbon Street with a Girls Gone Wild banner on it.  To get on the balcony, which is a primo spot for the parades, you have to flash your tits.  Then, the alcohol and drugs are free all night long.  What 19 year old isn’t going to fall for that?

Secondly, you cannot just steal a tradition and call it your own, Austin.  That would be like me taking Bastille Day from the French and deciding that we will just celebrate it, with no regards toward the significance of the holiday.  Mardi Gras has a long history and people in Louisiana know and appreciate that history.  Granted, we party down for Mardi Gras, but that’s because it’s the last day before Lent begins.  During Lent, all parties are off.  Most people in Louisiana are Catholic so they celebrate Lent.  People in Texas are primarily Baptist.  So, can you see my aggravation with the bastardizing of one of my favorite holidays?

Now, a history lesson.  Mardi Gras came to New Orleans through its French heritage in 1699. Early explorers celebrated this French Holiday on the banks of the Mississippi River. Throughout the years, Orleanians have added to the celebration by establishing krewes (organizations) which host parades and balls. Carnival quickly became an exciting holiday for both children and adults.

Mardi Gras means "Fat Tuesday" and of course is celebrated on that day of the week. The date can fall between February 3 and March 9 depending on the Lunar calendar, used by the Catholic Church to determine the date of Easter. Mardi Gras is always 47 days before Easter Sunday.

The official colors for Mardi Gras are purple, green, and gold. These colors were chosen in 1872 by the King of Carnival, Rex. He chose these colors to stand for the following:

• Purple represents justice
• green stands for faith
• gold stands for power

The Mardi Gras season begins on January 6 and continues until Fat Tuesday, the day before Ash Wednesday. On the Christian calendar, the twelfth day after Christmas is known as "Epiphany", "Twelfth Night", or "Kings Day." It is the day the gift-bearing Magi visited the baby Jesus, and is celebrated with its own unique rituals.

My work here is done.  Now leave my holiday alone!

This is some funny shit.  You may have all seen it before, but sometimes I’m a little slow to catch on.