My period started six days late this month. I’m actually a little disappointed that it started.

So lately I’ve had the worst gas ever in life. It is so gross that I can hardly stand it. So last night I let one go in bed and Elvee warns the little dog to get out from under the covers and run for his life. Then he says “baby, his legs are all hot now”. Yeah, my fart caused his body temperature to rise. That’s TOTALLY possible.

My computer is infected with some piece of shit malware named Surf Sidekick 3. I can usually remove whatever damage I manage to do to my computer, but not this one. I have run various programs that remove even my memories and I still can’t get this poltergeist out of my machine. When I type the words “remove surf sidekick” into yahoo or google, I swear the thing starts going extra slow. Like it KNOWS.

Video proof of how she talks to me on a daily basis. She does this crap EVERY FIVE MINUTES.

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Get your hooch on, Internets.

His name is Bob. He is going to make cooking so much easier for me. I love Bob.

This will take you back. I felt four again when I saw it.

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Oh, the gross stories I could tell you. Well, this will go under the TMI category. Ever do something so heinously disgusting that you cannot fucking believe it just happened to you? I just had one of those moments. I have been doing Ovulation Predictor pee sticks everyday to see if and when I am ovulating. I’m trying to plan ahead here. Anyway, so I pee on the stupid thing and then I carefully put the little cap back on and clean it off with toilet paper so I can wait for the results. Well, just now I put the cap back on and PISS splashed up on my face and in my mo fuckin eye. I pissed in my own eye. The hell?

I love to color. Only problem is there aren’t any adult coloring books out there. Well, a little google search later and I have it. I want to have coloring night with my friends.

If your husband is lazy most of his living days, you will have to resort to desperate measures to keep things where you can find them. Let’s face it, Internets, your husband is lazy. So, go to Wal-Mart and get some of these plastic organizer things and get rid of the old school tool box. He doesn’t put anything back in that thing anyway because he would have to open it, then remove the little tray and the close it again. Too many steps involved for him. This way, there are labels! and drawers! First time I find that damn hammer on the shelf in front of the organizer, heads will roll.

Seriously. What does yours do that makes you INSANE?

1. He leaves one cheese wrapper or candy wrapper on top of the counter that is located right above the kitchen trash.
2. He will wash two items of clothes when there is plenty enough to make a whole load in the hamper. Then, he puts them on gentle cycle because it’s faster. He’s not even waiting for the clothes so that makes no sense. His clothes are dirty enough for the heavy cycle, trust me.
3. He leaves the back door open for Mazzy to come in and out of because he gets tired of having to open the door for her. I literally have to vacuum everyday because she tracks in dirt. I have told him at least once a day everyday to not do this. He still does it.
4. He currently has 6 pairs of shoes in the garage because he is too lazy to bring them inside and put them in the closet.
5. He wears shoes around the house. This is so ridiculous. He will get up and get dressed and put on shoes to sit around the house. I cannot understand this for the life of me. Shoes make the already messed up carpet even worse.
6. He leaves all the doors to the bedrooms open. Mazzy is kind of destructive and you never know what she is going to tear up. I don’t want her in the guest room because it’s the only room untouched by dog and I like it that way. I don’t want her in the bedroom because she has no business laying on top of our comforter. Not only that, she goes in my bathroom and pulls things out of the trash. These are just simple things to owning dogs and he will not help me in any way.

These just one of the awesome things that my best friend gave me for my birthday (click to make bigger. it’s worth your time.):

Much to tell but I am sleepy, so I will just leave you with a picture of me sucking icing off my fingers. Better update tomorrow. I’m going to be 30 tomorrow and I have to work.