Last night, I watched a friend’s niece for a few hours. Endless entertainment, those 8 year olds are, I tell ya.

I showed her Mazzy’s urn and tried to explain that she had been creamated and they gave her to me in this pretty urn so that I could always have her close to me. The look on her face should have told me that I was dealing with a very freaked out little girl, but you forget because she’s so mature. So, I go on to tell her that they burned Mazzy up and gave me her ashes to keep. Apparently that cleared things right up. She promptly got in the back of my friend Sam’s truck and tell her that I “had my dog evaporated and put in a jar”.

Aiiiii, carumba.

I plan to start my diet and working out again this week. Something has to give. I had to go buy nice corporate clothes yesterday and I am the biggest I’ve ever been. Not a happy girl at all. I blame Coca-cola and Macaroni Grill. I take no personal responsibilty. Nope, I got fat by fault of corporate America. I’ll get back on track though. I guess. It just seems like such an unattainable goal when you have so much to lose. Like you can’t even get your mind around that much weight. I know tons of you have done it and I will too. I just have to make myself do it. Exercising is definitely the hardest thing for me. I HATE it. I’ll keep you guys posted.

Til then, here is the little monster. He is much taller and heavier now. Still very very sweet though. He takes such great pictures. The rest are in my flickr. Check the sidebar if you really care. Below that is a pic of the shadow box I made to go next to Mazzy’s urn. It turned out really well. Nevermind that you can see my reflection in the glass.

I already cancelled my LA Weight Loss gig. I know, it’s hopeless. I’m just going to get as fat as is humanly possilble.

Here’s the deal. They get you in there and weigh you and measure you and make you think, “oh damn. How did I get here?” Then, they tell you how much it’ll be and you pay up front for a year of services. It’s different for everyone and it goes by how much you need to lose. So, basically $5/week at 2 pounds per week and a $150 admin fee. My total was $838.00. I had to put $200 down and then pay the rest out in 8 weeks. Here’s the clincher. They don’t give you the diet right then. You come back in three days (the exact amount of time that has to pass and you can’t cancel your contract) and they give you your diet plan that has been designed by a “nutritionist”. I found the plan online yesterday and it is basically Atkins. I have never been able to follow that plan. Hello, I don’t eat vegetables. Another thing that got me was I would have to go meet with them in person three times a week. How am I supposed to find time to do that and work out? But! According to them, you don’t need to workout. In fact, working out will slow down your weight loss! Right. Only because muscle weighs more than fat and you won’t see pounds lost but you would see a decrease in body fat percentage and inches. So, I don’t think its a good plan at all. I cancelled and do not plan to look back.

So, back to the Dawn plan that I did last year. It’s slow to work, but it’s healthy and free for me.

I joined LA Weight Loss tonight. I weighed myself this weekend and I weighed more than I ever have. Blew me away. The program is expensive but I will be to my goal by December 18 of this year. 55 pounds down. I’ve got to quite pretending that I’m okay with it. I’m not. Here are the virtual model comparions to me now and what I’ll look like in December.
NOW

DECEMBER

Plant a fully ripened (black) banana at the base of your rose bush. They LOVE it. See?

We went to see Joe Rogan tonight at a comedy club. I swear that was the best show I have ever seen. It was THAT good. My face hurts from laughing so much. He is so freaking gorgeous in person. Funny equals sexy in my book. And not just funny, smart and funny. *sigh*

Mommy bloggers do this and I feel like a dog mommy so I am going to write him monthly newsletters. I wish I had done this for Mazzy.

Dear Kona,
You turned twelve weeks old a few days ago. We have only had you for one short week but we already feel so much love for your crazy little butt. You are so sweet and loving. You love to cuddle with me at night and you sleep the whole night long without so much as moving a muscle. As soon as Papa wakes up though, you think its time to play. And by time to play, I really mean bite. You are teething. You love to bite me and my pants legs and almost anything else that I let you get ahold of. I have to keep a close eye on you. Today you darted off with my bath mat. It’s almost bigger than you are and you just take off running with it. You crack me up with your silliness.

We went to the vet today for your shots. We went last week but you had a some tummy problems so he didn’t want to give them to you until he was sure you were well. You were the star of the show there. Everyone loved you. You didn’t even notice when they gave you your shots because you were getting so much attention from the staff. I’ve also managed to fatten you up to 16 pounds this week. Last week you were 12 and a bit skinny. You LOVE to eat. I feed you four times a day and you gobble it all up each time. You even go back to look for more.

You aren’t doing so well with the potty training. I am sticking to keeping you in the crate and taking you out just to potty and after you eat and sleep, but you still just squat and pee wherever you feel like it. I’m going to have to get another carpet shampooer at some point. You also really hate your crate. You throw fits every time I put you in there. You are fine if I am in the room with you, but as soon as you can’t see me you freak out big time.

You are definitely growing and becoming quite independent. You bark at Roo because he doesn’t want to play with you and you aren’t afraid to explore the whole house without having me by your side any more.

Since you are now vaccinated, I am now going to start taking you everywhere with me. I want to get you used to riding in the truck and meeting new people and dogs. We are going to have so much fun together.

Love,

Mom

They gave me a paw print of her foot and I plan to make a shadow box to go next to her urn. It was really hard to go get her.

Apparently my last post worried some of you. Dont’ worry about me. I’ll be okay. Its just been alot all at once and I feel like I can’t quite get my bearings. I know we all have these moments. It just feels like I’m getting hit with more than my fair share lately. This too shall pass, right?

Get this….. I absolutely have some of the BEST friends ever in life. Pet people are like no other. That’s for sure. A few of you have made donations to Mazzy’s vet bills and I cannot begin to even put words to how much that means to me. Beyond the money though, your kind words and cards and phone calls will never be forgotten. My friend, Lissa, called me tonight to tell me that she and her family are going to have a Mazzy garage/bake sale and all the proceeds go to her vet bills. Man, that just totally humbles me. Thank you all so much and I know Mazzy would thank you.

I feel like my life has been a series of bad decisions. I can’t find happiness no matter what. Its like bad follows me. Yeah, I know. Life is what you make it and all that, but seriously. I am a good person. I treat other people very well and I get nothing positive in return. This past week has been especially tough.
1. Mazzy got sick and had to have a first surgery on Thursday.
2. Friday I found out something that I find to be devastating news. I won’t elaborate but it really sucks.
3. Mazzy had her second surgery Friday night.
4. Mazzy died Saturday.
5. I was supposed to start a new job Monday afternoon. One that my placement agency sent me to. The job was supposed to be long term. I left the awesome job that I had because the contract ended next week and this other job would be long term. I did all of this under the advice of my placement lady. I show up to the job and its only for two days. Then the place that I was at before didn’t want me back because HELLO, I left them high and dry. So now I am jobless.
6. Yesterday my Mom and I get into the biggest fight we’ve ever had. She said some really nasty things to me. She is my rock. The ONE person that I count on. I feel like yesterday may have changed our relationship forever. What do I do now?

I need something good to happen to me. Not just some thing but a series of things. Life is not supposed to be like this. I just want to be happy. Genuinely happy and not have it be such a fucking struggle ALL THE DAMN TIME. I really think that I was not meant for this world.

Chris? Chris? Are you kidding me America? You simply must be.

1. I sent an email to everyone that knew Mazzy to let them know of her passing. I even sent one to the ex-friend of mine. She was there when we got the pups and knew Mazzy from day one as well, so I thought she would want to know. She didn’t even respond with “sorry, that sucks”. God, like I needed more proof that she actually has no soul.
2. Having a new puppy is so much how I imagine having a new baby to be. I cannot let him out of my site for two seconds. I carry him around just so I know where he is. They need to make a baby sling for puppies. He gets heavy and its hard to wash dishes with one hand.
3. I’ve changed his name to Kona. Like the coffee and the city in Hawaii and the ridiculously expensive bike that my husband wants. Denny Crane was too much to say at once.
4. I went to a new vet today. One that the Emergency Clinic from this past weekend recommended. They were so awesome. I was taking the dogs to Petsmart’s vet and I just don’t feel overly confident in them. Anyway, the nurse guy that works there (at the new vet) also works at the EC on the weekends and he was there during Mazzy’s second surgery. He got to see what a beautiful girl she was. He told me that the vet that did her surgery is one of the best vets in this region of the country and if he couldn’t fix her, no one could. That made me feel better.
5. I wonder how much Starbucks pays?

Denny Crane. He was born on Feb. 21st. Yeah, its soon but I need it.

Dear Mazzy,

I met you when you were just three days old. The only girl in the bunch and you never followed any rules. I was there for your very first bath and the day you opened your eyes. You would play just as hard and rough as your brothers and you loved dirt. You were so cute and so curious. Your eyes were this cool green color and you had the prettiest markings of any of the dogs in your litter. I loved your pink nose and pink paw pads. You had the softest spot on your nose. I loved kissing your nose.

I can barely even describe the bond that I had with you. You followed me all around the house bossing me around. You would moo at me when I didn’t do things the way you wanted them done. That’s why we started calling you Moomy or Moomers. You were so vocal. You were also such a loving girl. If I got a blanket out, you would run over and get under the covers with me on the couch and squish your 70 pound body between me and the sofa. Then you would fall into deep sleep and start puffing away. You slept with us almost every night and you would get hot under the covers at some point and start panting so hard that you would have to come back up for air. You loved to spoon me in bed. I would just pat behind me on the bed and you would snuggle right up to me. Your feet smelled like popcorn when you got really asleep and in the zone.

You loved things that were dirty or nasty. You loved to get in the trash and eat various gross things and you loved your dad’s snot rags. You would do anything to find them. You also loved candy. You would almost break your neck to get over to me and try to eat the Now and Laters out of my mouth. I would push you away and you would come back over and over again. You were so persistent about any and every thing that you wanted.

You were afraid of so many silly things. You would run from the vacuum, trash bags, the broom, the grocery bags, and balloons. I have never seen such a fraidy cat like you in all my life. You were so brave behind closed doors though. You would bark if anyone crossed in front of our house or came to the door. If I opened it though, you would run the other way.

You also had this hilarious obsession with people’s feet. You would lick and lick and lick toes, even if they had shoes on them.

Sometimes you would just take off through the living room at break neck speeds and run back and forth until you exhausted yourself. We called it The Mazzy Show.

You loved the just sit in front of the windows or by the back door and watch what was going on outside.

The house seems so quiet and empty now without you. Leroy misses you and your dad and I miss you more than anything. I am so sorry that your life was ended way shorter than it should have been. You were my angel puppy and I will never forget you.

Love Always,

Dawn

Mazzy passed away today at 2pm. Her body just couldn’t take the second surgery.